Relationship

I have tweeted so much on my ShadowRaz (@ShadowRazo) account that it is becoming a clutter of thoughts and extended tweet chains. You know, even with the new doubled letter limit, it is way too little for my writing. I'm not that conversational on news and happenings. As in i'm not small talking to people that often, hell, if i even talk to anyone so a different type of social media user. I'm more like sharing thoughts of my own, something i'm wondering, passing advice from my perspective, or just sharing something that happened. Sometimes some jokes and gaming videos and stuff like that. So anyways... to the topic

Relationships.

Since i can't possibly know what you know about me and how much you follow my activity, i will write a recent happening that has gotten me into an unusual state of feelings and thoughts, which should then explain some stuff on this blog post after this LONG paragraph you are reading now, as in why am i writing about this. If you aren't interest on my personal life but still want to read some aspects of the topic of this post, skip this paragraph completely, i imagine you have your own life and problems and might not care about some strangers life who's music you might have heard considering if that brought you here to read this. So... I have a favorite grocery shop chain i go to get most of my food ingredients (plus milk, coffee cream, you know the deal) or "ready-to-eat" stuff if feeling lazy (also sometimes those are cheaper as "mass made" foods, instead of going through the trouble of making from scratch but usually self made food (such as meatballs for example) outrank the ready-to-eat stuff 100 to 1 even if you need to see some effort and more money to make them) or if i just want something precise. And as i moved recently to a new town, i of course changed my usual shop which still belongs to the same chain, same name. Now in this new town, the shop is much bigger and has hella lot wider selection plus the -60% expiring foods sale on evenings (it is open for 1 extra hour too, precisely the time when the sale is on) i have also tweeted about. But that doesn't really matter when the highlight of this new shop turned out to be a woman working there occasionally. So i might drink alcohol sometimes to try to feel better about my kind of lonely and sometimes rather depressing life, and one time not so long ago i was under the influence and wanted to go shopping for food, so i walked instead of driving (i never drive my car anywhere if i have drank as no one should. If i need something, i just ignore the need for it if i can't walk to get it), and as i found myself in the shop i usually go into, and after gathering the shit i wanted from shelves, on the cash register i ended up on, there was this beautiful cashier. I mean seriously beautiful, a dreamy woman. She started ringing my shit up while i just stood in front of her, but instead of looking at the screen that shows the progress on ringing my shit up one by one and showing the cost of each item on the time of "beep" and shows more importantly the total sum as well, i started looking at her. She was focusing on getting the next and next item on the conveyor belt, beeping them to register as bought item and so on, but as she was looking down i was admiring her, ended up also staring at her pretty lips, as i had this flow of hormones making me want to grab her and kiss her. She made this really cute little smile, as in her lips corners got up just slightly all of a sudden and oh man i was hooked, i will never forget that smile. So, she had rang up my shit and i collected them on my bag and left. I knew already that i admired her but in a sense of my rather well... low self-esteem occasionally, i obviously thought she is way above my "league" so to speak, as in too gorgeous woman to even start thinking about of being together with. I still had her in my mind but not as much as now. Days passed by, and soon enough i was going to see if there were any steaks for -60% sale at the store, drove there, checked my favourite ones spot, and there weren't any of them on expiring list as people had bought all of that batch fresh or had taken all expiring ones before me , and then checked if anything else would be on the sale, but as i found nothing interesting enough, i decided to leave empty handed, however, on my way out as leaving customers need to go through the cash registers (they have those alarm systems if some bar code goes by unchecked which is good for preventing thiefs, she was at the cash register i walked by from. Our eyes met briefly but i just walked past as i had nothing to ring up. Very brief encounter. Still, now she was on my mind more. Then the third time, i was yet again out to get some nutrition into my empty fridge and my favorite snack, and as i walked the hallways of the shop at the other end of the store from the cash registers, next to the fresh meat counter, she ended up walking past me to the door, which leads to storage rooms i assume on the same wall where the fresh meat counter is, about 10 meters in front of me, and she was looking to the way where i was walking as in to her right, our eyes met again which resulted in her, very quickly turning her head straight forward and looking down. A bit more unusual reaction in my opinion compared to if she had seen a total stranger. She vanished to the storage area (i assume at least it is) and i continued with my browsing for shit. But once i had chosen what i will buy, i was starting to head towards cash registers, and as i was walking, past the shelves next to me on hte crossing corridor she appeared walking right in front of me, about 2-3 meters or so away, i almost panicked and i stopped walking and started checking my shop basket even though i knew exactly what was in it. Then about 20 seconds or so of living in my head about the dreamy girl i have a crush on, while mindlessly pushing the items on my basket around, i headed towards the registers again. She was in the "booth" area behind the conveyer belts talking to the current cashier who was at the cash register to my right. I'm not sure if i remember correctly but i thought i saw her (the one who i have a crush on) blushing for some reason. Then as that register was kind of longer away and might have had a customer already on it (details about that are blurry since my main focus was her in thoughts and stuff and hence also in memories about that visit), i went for the closer register to my left which was free. Now get this, to my surprise, this woman i adore, appeared to the cash register i was on. She just went behind the register where the current cashier was, to stand behind her, while looking down. I'm not sure was she leaning to the cabinet behind her but at least was very close to it. And get this too, if i remember and heard correctly, the blonde cashier asked this brunette crush of mine "Mitä sä täällä teet?" which would be translated to "What are you doing here?". Not 100% sure about that line did it even occur really but if it did, she didn't answer anything. Might be that i heard it from somewhere else or something but... yeah whatever... as i was packing my shit to the plastic bag i constantly glanced at her just standing there close by looking at the floor. She is freaking adorable. I mean really cute lady. I wanna use the adjective 'dreamy', because she has gotten me dreaming about her a lot, in a really weird unusual way that i haven't experienced yet in my life before. So i got my shit packed and left, but at that point began the time i couldn't get her out of my mind anymore. I had developed a big crush on her. Humongous. I had tweeted about her even before the 3rd time of our encounter, but now it really began as my mind started racing. I started thinking and dreaming about everything from love, to relationship, to future. I have had crushes before of course, but this must be the most intense one. Some crushes are something like being attracted to looks after seeing, or liking someone for some unique thing on their personality that the person who has the crush likes and/or something in between those, and these attractions come and go, might be kind of normal as single/available person feeling alone and seeing some attractive persons... but this girl... she is different, i can't stop thinking and dreaming about her in a way, if we would seriously have a relationship and planning future together and dealing with world and life together and enjoying the time with each other, and how i should treat her in a relationship so that i could make her happy if i was the luckiest man alive and we actually got together so that i wouldn't dissappont her or make her unhappy somehow. Now i am not that experienced on relationships and women in general, and hence i'm nervious and kind of shy myself and not 100% clear am i relationship material for a lady like her but still i try to think it through as much as i can so that i could be a good man for a good woman, and finally find love, a woman who would actually like to be with me and we would be happy together. I'm starting to get sick and tired (depressed more accurately if not spoken in a common term "sick and tired of...") of being always alone. About 8 years ago i had a crush in which i started to take some action like on this one (i'll write what i have done already on this soon but first, trip to past), i started up on occupational school after jr high school, studying IT/ICT/Electronics profession, and as the school was a town over from the one i lived in (still with my parents back then), i was too young for car license and driving the shitty small moped i had everyday for so long trips, would be waste of time, money and effort, and as the school would provide students with cheap (or was it free... holy fuck, can't remember) buss "season pass", i would then take the morning bus that was basically timed on purpose for students going to early schools although not limited to only students still. It went on and on, everyday back and forth sitting there listening to music from cellphone and earbud headphones and hoping no one has to sit next to me if all seats were taken otherwise. Soon enough i started noticing an attractive girl getting on the bus. She was younger than me so she was still on jr high which i had just completed, so usually saw her only on morning getting on about half way through trip from my home to school, and getting off just few kilometres before i did. As i had seen her... i dunno... 20-30 times maybe? And heard her talking sometimes to her friends etc, I had developed a crush on her. But as i at the time did not know her except for looks and confronting her head on was out of the question as i was a pussy, i started searching for her on Facebook that i made. It did take a lot of digging, as in finding someone i had seen before on facebook, checking his/her friend list if that person was friends with the girl, if not then from that list clicking someone else i had barely seen and watching that persons friend list and so on. Eventually i found her with that tactic. As i had never been with anyone before, i was really shy and my self-esteem was way, WAY lower than it is now for example. I have been discriminated and isolated and bullied for being weird which all had stomped down my self-esteem. taking every word for real, as in if someone said something mean, i believed every word and hence convinced myself that i am what these people said about me, and being alone and outcast also made me think i don't belong and others are superior and i don't deserve to be around anyone or at least "cool people". But bare in mind, i haven't been that badly treaten as some are, in fact i was often still taken into some groups to hang around and play some school ground games or jsut hanging around and listening and going along while the socially active people talked or wanted to do something (although on actual sports classes, i sucked and was picked last or second last basically everytime which also takes a hit to self-esteem. Even worse was the rare times when "gym class" had dancing and it was womens choice... you might guess... or if it was mens choice i was too coward to go pick anyone and was thrown with the last girl). Now went little off-topic but it explains why i did what i did first. I was ashamed of my last name which would be roughly english translated to 'Sunshine' from my language (uncommon last name which also had a song amde out of it which people liked to sing to me to annoy me) at least it is usually translated to that. More accurate word to word translation would maybe be dayray or daybeam, but still for example when someone in movies and shows says something like "wake up sunshine" it is rather always translated in subtitles to match my last name. Also was ashamed of my looks and personality. Hell, i was ashamed of everything i was but still wanted to do something as i had quite a big crush on her and found her online. So i did a fake account. I chose 2 quite common native names and made a profile, then messaged her and sent friend request. Rather complimenting first message from me and our chat began. I discovered she was already on a relationship but still kept chatting with her and almost rather flirting which was wrong of me. I sincerely hope i did not mess up what she had with the guy she was dating at the time since she did break up with him some time after we had been chatting, maybe they had problems already? I don't want to be a "home wrecker", a guy who takes other guys lady from him, no. I was young and even bigger idiot than i am now so didn't understand enough to back off from taken woman and kept flirting and chatting. Soon enough i revealed my mystery a bit more and said i was usually at her school bus and that is where i found her, then after that gave info about a jacket i was wearing, so she spotted me, and i still to this day assume she got dissappointed a little how i look, compared to the fact how i spoke to her and she might have imagined me being, but we had already talked so much that she did not back down, well she did not show any signs of this assumption but i still do assume it. So soon we started sitting together on the bus, often holding hands but rarely speaking much in person, and kept chatting online and by phone and texts a lot otherwise. Not long from that we decided to get together on free time, so we planned so that she would come with me to our house and so we did. "A first date" so to speak was us watching a horror movie in my room. First as a coward, i was too afraid to even get close to her, but she was actually the brave one on our relationship (can you believe it, 3 years younger and we were both kids back then, and the girl is still more brave, did not complain since it was good for me as i seriously was a pussy, she almost took charge on everything), and hence she asked me to get closer, and so we started cuddling and watching the movie. After the movie got my first kiss after my first cuddles too, and the kiss continued to become a make out session until she left back home. This all happened near Christmas, and on Christmas eve (usually when our country has tradition to share christmas gifts at evening) she wanted to give me a gift of a "label" as in becoming "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend. I was even further away than usually since i was visiting my dad at the time with my sisters. She also said to me that i could change my relationship status on FB to "in a relationship with her", but she said she wouldn't change it on her end because she wanted to hide it from someone... her brother? Or parents? I can't for the life of me remember from whom but that felt wrong and i declined. How stupid it would look to have 1 sided status. Some might think that i added being in a relationship with her even if we did not have one and she had no part in it and i would have been a creep for that. Now i have said several times on my past blog posts and even tweets maybe, can't remember them all, how our relationship was largely long distance heavy and short. And it is true. We mostly used Facebook chatting, and text messages plus some phone calls to keep up with each other but rarely got together for more than the bus trips to school. Once i visited her house (she also of course lived with her parents back then), Once we went shopping on a bigger city and into a movie theater which included couple of her friends tagging along. Did not stop me from kissing and hugging her whenever i had the chance and when she too was up for it so that we wouldn't make her friends uncomfortable. I also have one major regret about that time. At the end of the shopping and movie as we were boarding the bus she said to me that she was cold, but i was acting macho and answered, "yeah a bit chilly" in native language of course but did not offer her my jacket or even snuggle up to warm her on the bus boarding waiting line. I mean she said it at least two times how she was cold and i was too dumb to realize that mistake at the time. I actually figured it out MUCH later when me and her had been already broken up a long time and was wondering what all went wrong at some point. It might have actually been another test for me since she said it at least 2 times (she had tested me before with a picture that was supposed to make me jealous). I think testing other people like that is wrong. I'm not saying people shouldn't find out about true nature of people but if it includes playing around with feelings like jealousy, it is just wrong in my opinion, especially if the person testing the other person, relies too much on the result of the test to decide whatever she/he is testing in the first place, instead of actually focusing on what makes the person him/her. Now here is a kind of awkward fact, we never had sex, "second base" sure and some handsy stuff, but not sex, and in fact it was my fault. Yes, i will say this without shame, i was so nervous and unexperienced compared to her and she was so hot, the mere pressure had me over-thinking too much and i wasn't able to keep my erection up for longer than the initial turning on from passionate making out. As in when it was time to do it, i panicked and so did my penis apparently. She actually was worried was i turned on about her. And yes, i'm a virgin. I try to study the art of pleasing a woman as much as i can but aren't physically very experienced. I suppose it happened soon enough from couple of failures, and the constant long distance thing and even unmatching personalities on many things even if some matched, it started going downhill. One day we were texting, it wasn't even noon, and i was sitting in my class, she drops the bomb, and texts me that we should end it, break up. With a text... c'mon... but not to blame her, we rarely saw each other anyway properly so understandable. I left home immediately by saying i was sick. Got myself alcohol with a buyer (too young to buy myself) and started drinking and playing Fallout 3 while being heartbroken. It actually sank in even more later than the first couple of days. I have strong emotions sometimes that can freaking kill me inside but i have tried to man up a notch and not be too sensitive on small things, before that i have tried numbing myself with intoxicants when i had hit rock bottom. This truly happened 7-8 years ago and i have been alone ever since. The sorrow of the first love and lost was so heavy that i truly was depressed. Took me about 2 years perhaps to get over relationship that barely lasted 2-3 months or something. I just suffered on my own. Was it 2 times that i was in contact with her in the first year at least. The worse time was when i had gotten my car drivers license later and owned a car, i drove by her house couple of times with loud bass, she warned me to never do it again and i obviously never did it again. The other time was some simple message with at least apologies and with a link... to a crappy song i made for her. I literally had just started being a musician so my skills were crappy and so was the song. Whatever, good that it ended because now i know she was not right for me anyway. We did not match enough so that we would make each other happy. So that is my only actual experience about a relationship. But oh boy... if you reader, could just reach into my head and fish every thought and dream and lesson i have tried to learn, so that i could find a right woman into my life and truly make her happy, you would realize that i might not be as dumb as you might assume on relationships and its psychology from such small experience. Over-thinking has a upside too and isn't just hell though it is that too (doubts, doubts on everything, AND dreams, dreams so vivid and awesome it makes sad that life is shit compared to them, but not making some unrealistic standards still in my head) for the one thinking. Now back from distant past into VERY recent. Couple of days ago i saw her the 4th time. I have been trying to search her already a bit, not that much since i was highly doubtful of finding her without any proper connections in this new town i live in (have tried to look people on FB who live in Kankaanpää and browse through their friends and so on, on couple of sessions), and without seeing her enough and also It has been like over a month, maybe one and half or so (i try to avoid counting time, it makes life so... i dunno words to describe.. frustrating) since i saw her the last time (3rd time of which i wrote about already on this monster paragraph), and at this point i have thought and dreamed about her a lot. I also started kind of missing her. I did get inspired and motivated to create a music track with her in my mind, as you can read on description of 'Symphony for Her' but personally as i took barely couple of days to make it while being very insomniac, it turned out just adequate in my opinion. Nothing worthy of her. You can actually notice some small part of me thinking about her on my @ShadowRazo twitter feed, but it extends into such depths in my head that i would need to write a novel length blog post to say "everything" and as i would be writing so long text (writing this blog post for example takes hours), i would be getting more thoughts as i go along and it would become an endless loop where i write until i die and never finish it. So couple of days ago i went for coffee cream and a milk carton for my oat meals (broke as shit right now), and there she was. I have started checking the cash registers straight away when i step in as they are visible from the entrance, to see if she is there, and after a month of almost "obsessing" over her in my head and not seeing her, i saw her. So i wanted to go straight to her register no matter if it had line and there were other free registers available. I wanted to see her closer. And i did go to her register. There was one older fella before me and as i waited on the line glancing her but trying not to stare, my heart bounded and started feeling hot (well common on winter when going with lots of clothing indoors to a store and then hauling shit with those clothes on in room temperature, not gonna take off winter clothes for a short visit to a store, where do you even carry them if you take anything off except perhaps hat and gloves that fit into pockets or anywhere), even if i am much more "brave" in my opinion nowadays, i still started blushing. But as i had time to calm down i stared into blank and "meditated" in a unvisible way which can sort of look like i'm just deep in my thoughts, well it is exactly being deep in thoughts so it looks like for a reason. I have thought about her so much that it was much more intense for me to face her than it was before. I was able to sort of soothe my excitement and tension about her but i still avoided looking her too much so that i wouldn't blush (by the way, isn't it cute when a woman blushes? there is this really cute awww moment if a woman blushes, as in something makes her feel something so intensly that she has a physical reaction to those feelings, blushing might not be comfortable for the one blushing depending on the situation which causes the blush and person itself, but it sure as hell is cute in my opinion when a lady blushes, i take it as strong emotional personality sign usually which is good) or creep stare at her. Then i noticed it. A gray probably some light metal made or plastic material, cube form on her shirt. A name tag. Her first name on it. After returning to home i rapidly paced back and forth thinking (a new habit for me that started about a month ago... i wonder why huh?) a bit and then went online to find her. I found a woman with same first name living in same town, with same hair style and almost same brown color too, perhaps about same age? (hell if i know the age of either), and i thought to myself this might be her, maybe, and tried to compare my blurry head image to her. I had seen my crush smiling in a small cute way whereas this girl had full teeth wide smile so it was tough to imagine the crush of mine with a wide smile as i haven't seen her that way and have seen her couple of times very briefly anyway. Another thing to say, i have this feeling that the crush is slightly shy, not sure but still feels like it, and the girl i found seemed a bit more... hmm... what's the word? Brave? Or more self-confident or something i dunno. Not sure if right adjectives... I mean her profile photo is more provocative in my opinion than for example the ones who i have crush on (of course at the time couldn't compare since i had not found the crush yet as i would have recognized her from the two if they were both in front of me), and it seemed odd that most likely shy lady would post provocative photo. I mean it wasn't like bikini provocative or overly sexified or stuff like that but still... well whatever. But then again i thought that i still do not know her so who am i to tell what kind of person she is and the feeling of her being shy is just that, a feeling. And decided this must be her. So i sent a friend request and a message, only to get response the next morning that i was mistaken. I asked her twice on the first message have i mistaken on the person and also asked on it does she work at the grocery shop, and yes, i was mistaken. But then she mentiones that she is friends with a same named woman who works at the grocery shop i mentioned, she says her name and as i search her, i totally get embarrassed immediately. I mean the profile picture of the woman i have a crush on is obviously her. You can even see behaviour on a still photo that reveals a bit her. She is looking down. I think that might be one sign of being shy at least? Whatever, anyways. I have now reached the present moment. I have sent her a friend request on Facebook, and am waiting will she accept it or not. I can't message her since she has her privacy settings so that strangers can't send her a message. So i shall just wait and see for the request. I have tweeted about this but i will also add it to blog, it is her call, does she want to accept it or not. I have a feeling she is aware of me and i'm not necessarily just another customer based on the 3rd encounter especially, but am not sure about that either since who knows, she wanted to just get on the cash registers to work instead of the more dreamy thought, that she wanted to get in my sight after being pushed backroom but seeing me there before she entered the storage area thingy, made her want to go back to the registers so that i could see her or... whoah... what if it was so that... she could see or be close to me. How freaking awesome that would be... So she might know me or at least be maybe even slightly attracted and hence the request pending might not be because a total never seen stranger is asking to be her FB friend but instead for some other reasons... such as: not being interested on me really at all and i have this all in my head, as if there was some spark between us even though it is only me having a uniquely big one sided crush, and i'm "wasting" my time on dreaming about her though why would dreams still be waste of time, more like just misleading compared to actual real life situation. Or who knows, it might be true from few things that made me feel that way and she really is too shy to even let me to see her profile and hence message her. Or it might be that she is so unactive on facebook that she hasn't even seen it yet. Or... i actually am some faceless customer among others and stranger and request from stranger isn't something you might accept always. Want to hear a funny thing? You know how i often have written how i feel like more people are following my activity than it shows? And also written in a rather angry way on some places how people who secretly stalk and observe others life without being actual followers or anything like that are sociopaths of some kind since they either do it for some sick making fun of and mean laughter, not playful roasting but behind the back making fun of and rumor spreading, or they do it to take advantage of the stalked person as in gathering anything really from personality to ideas and productions and being copycats/identity thiefs? Well i actually have gotten a bit embarrassed on that thought. As in my mind has steered into more positive sides on those too. Say, if a woman is actually attracted to someone, and hence starts to check that someones activity, isn't it more like being interested and maybe attracted to, rather than being something dark like wanting to make fun of in evil ways and laugh at how much of weird and outcast someone can be compared to their perfect egoistic image of "normal" and ultimately who the fuck cares what some random fuck thinks about you. Only the close ones opinion matters. This thought popped in my head when i was thinking how i wouldn't mind if this crush of mine was secretly following my activity. What if she has read my stuff, what if she has heard my music? What if she truly has some interest on me like i have for her but she is much more aware of me than i of her since she probably isn't writing honest thoughts in some "alter ego"? (btw, funny how artist name can sort of separate ego... Kind of... not exactly though.. but i am still me as Arto and as the person you can see as both artist names) No mutta siinä tapauksessa nainen, jos olis pienikään osa totta että sä ootkin tietoinen musta ja satut juuri lukeen tän tekstin tässä nyt ja tunnet jotain ihastusta muhun niinku mä suhun, ni enkö ookki vähä rikkonu jo sitä alkujännitystä? Esim jos ny joskus päädyttäiski yhteen ekaa kertaa johki ni ei tarvi ainakaa välttämättä hermoilla mistä alottaa koko ajan vaan oon jo kertonu aika paljon ittestäni vaikka en ny viel älyttömästi ja voisin sen sijaa keskittyä tekeen susta onnellista ja oppia susta kaikki mistä pidät ja mistä et, enkä pälpättää jotai ärsyttävää elämänkertaa ittestä vaan kuunnella sun tarinas tai sit voitais vaa rauhottua ja käpertyä syleileen toistemme kanssa ilman sanoja vaa nauttien läheisyydestä tahi tehä jotai kaksin tai jtn emmä tiä.. Jos vaa oltais yhdes... unelmia unelmia... have i "broken the ice" already? :D. Then the other matter, Say if any person respects/thinks high of someone and wants real actual advice from that someone without showing it, as in having kind of a role model of some sort but while not being keen on being open about it, is it really that bad? I mean as i have said there is a line also between copying and inspiration. Learning from others and copying. Also, the more you spent time with someone you respect or care of, or freaking love, the more the habits might get stuck on the other person who spends time with the first one. In love and relationship at least that is good if similar interests grow on someone even if it might not have been originally such. But still always be yourself people and do not try to act something you are not. I think my shit, on my own through my dreams and feelings and general wondering sometimes and you can observe some small parts of them in the form of blog posts and tweets, but the enormous amount of tv-shows and movies i have watched also might have affected my way of thinking on some things, not of course starting to adopt some personality of some fictional characters some writer wrote but instead when i agree on something a lot that i might not have realized otherwise, it can be educational. Sometimes on the other hand it is uncanny how much you can relate to some people as in, some people are very similar even though neither have never seen, heard, learned or anything from the other. I have never met such person since i'm seriously quite odd but have heard of such. Many people are still a like even though we all are different. That is exactly how some friends form, some love and relationships form, some groups or movements form, some products and services become popular on the demand when many people like the same thing etc etc list goes on. So apparently just having a big crush like this has made me more positive already. Man, i do wish i could get to know her. I shall wait and see, won't give up on her easily unless she asks me to back off or something like that. Ok this paragraph is ridiculously long and full of my personal life stuff. But i cannot stress enough how important it is for me to finally find love. I have lived kind of lonely life, not completely lonely since i have 2 siblings with whom to do something occasionally even before schools, i have had real best friends that met in schools and even 1 brief relationship with a girl. But i have never belonged properly in any groups or crap like that and my shyness and weirdness and not ruggedly handsome looks has prevented me from contacting any girls or any girls being so interested about me that they would make the first move, so have had only one very brief relationship. Now, even though i still like my solitude, i'm a bit too alone, And that is my greatest fear, actually living all alone until old age and then dying alone without ever finding love with whom to experience life in its fullest. I actually am not that into having men as friends anymore, but the one woman i love would be my friend too of course and i would totally be into that "friendship", most important friendship is relationship with the woman with whom you freaking live with, you know since don't friends hang out with each other, and being in a relationship is hanging out with each other. I'm not trying to rush find someone for this reason as if my time was up already, but still all the time i have spend, like 1 third part of my life already spent alone, and as i still liked even the brief relationship i had and can only dream how wonderful it would be in a proper relationship, it feels like i'm wasting my life on not being happy enough when i could be much happier with a woman.

Now that i got some personal stuff from the way on the topic, and with siderailing to some perhaps good points in my opinion on some of old thoughts... To the topic then. Being in a relationship might require some hard work sometimes, but it is more than definitely worth it. I shall point it from my perspective which means i will write how i think being in a relationship should be with a woman. First up it is vital to respect her. She is not something that you should take granted for, as if she was required to be with you and you can just do whatever you want without considering her thoughts on everything. Small things like if you both decide to watch something like movie or shows, then you just can't pick it necessarily if she would want to watch something else, make compromises, plan something like whos will this time and whos next time or watching what both want. Same applies if eating out, choosing something to buy etc etc.. I guess you catch my drift. Then you want to listen to her, if she says something, those words vibrating in soundwaves through the air, her beautiful voice carrying into your brains and burning on the inside of your skull (well as you guessed, not literally burning words into skull), you better comprehend it or if you don't, then ask what she means. If she asks something from you then you better answer, if she wants something you give it if you can or the will isn't way out of line somehow, if she wants to do something together you want to do it with her because you want what she wants. She needs to have freedom to do what she wants and you shall not control her, and yet doing everything she wants you to do, and still do not forget what you want and throw away everything about you, your freedom and your happiness and will i mean she should care about you in the same way you care about her so that she wants you too to be happy and not just serve her happiness. She should say everything that might annoy her or bother her about your doings so that you could stop doing the things she finds unpleasant. I actually have thought about 1 thing for example which could be annoying for a partner, the only girlfriend i have had pointed out for me that i started snoring once, when we were cuddling quiet for a moment, i mean i felt so comfortable that i fell asleep being all smushed together. Also when i was still living with my mom, my step father said how he heard loud snoring from my room one night, but i swear, if i was with her, i would give her totally free hands of waking me up if i annoyed her with my snoring. I heard that turning side helps so changing position can prevent it and if i'm too heavy for her to move, and she can't basically bench 95kg to turn me without waking me up, the she can wake me up with a cost of a kiss :P, btw hopefully i would weight less because i think i need to lose some serious fat weight. She is really fit gorgeous lady, whereas i'm a fluffy teddy bear. Only if she actually liked me being so "fluffy", then i have no arguments on maintaining my current diet either. Talking of diet, you will want to cook to her too, i mean it is rather stereotypical for women to cook for men, and nothing wrong in that either if she wants to cook, but i also like to cook food (hell when i was child i had being a chef as one option on the usual "what do you want to do when you grow up" choice thing) and making something really tasty for her would make me happy. Personally taste is one of my favorite senses hence the reason why i'm over-weight. Something really delicious she loves. You want to compliment her, not go into some too cliche constant throwing of some usual adjectives, but really tell her how amazing she is. I mean she is paradise in a human form. She is so dreamy that she makes a mans state of consciousness go into seventh haven of happiness where dreams have came true and there is total euphoria isolated from the crap that life often has to offer. She makes a crib become a home, she is your home. You want to be romantic and tender. But also tough and protective, not too protective though (you might want to avoid too big jealousy for example, i've heard of men who start fighting people who might have glanced at her at most), but still defend her honor if needed. Take her side. Give her gifts and try to come up with something else too. I for one would like to compose and produce music for her too and not just buy some money gifts, i'm not sure is it lame or not but i sure as hell already did get inspired and motivated by her and i don't even know her except for name and what she looks like. You want to please her if she wants to be pleased (and i really mean it, some say men want to have more sex than women and if you are with your girlfriend/wife and are horny but she isn't in the mood, you better suck it in and just ignore it and wait for the time when she is in the mood never force anything, or at the start of relationship if she isn't ready, then she isn't ready and you respect her choice) and that you really shouldn't care if it means the basic commissioner sex with burning eye contact and kissing her on lips and neck etc (btw, making out (kissing on lips whether she likes it soft and just touching each others lips in movement, all sucky or french) is actually much more exciting eyes closed since it somehow amplifies the touch sense on the lips nervous systems. Also it sort of can look weird if you stare at each other so close while moving your heads around but i guess you know this already as it is rather common to close eyes when making out, hell... some might like kissing eyes open too, it still is never uncomfortable to look at her beautiful eyes... but then sex eyes closed... couldn't tell... i mean it can kind of be like as if these people were thinking of something or hell.. someone else on the moment if making love eyes closed, on the other hand it might also intensify the other senses or some fantasies might do good for some couples i really couldn't tell, i dunno, i'll let you decide what you like best :D) and so on as that commissioner pose is more intense on direct closeness contact with her, or alternatively it can be some other poses like girl on top, doggy or whatever, i guess love making can be either the same faithful which works for both or going more exotic and spicing it up if both want it, doing fast pushes or long and slower pushes or both and rubbing her clitoris at the same time should she like it, or if it means something like going down on her as tongue can do wonders on clitoris and also vagina in general, also i wouldn't mind obviously if i were to get one of those vibrating machines or whatever they are which look like a microphone basically and holding that thing on her private parts should she want and enjoy it, giving intense pleasure is important if the woman likes to have intense pleasure, as long as she enjoys it which is most important, but also you still enjoy it and it feels good while enjoying the fact you want to give her the pleasure she deserves. Now as a virgin i cannot guarantee for example that i would be amazing in bed and would give her mind blowing orgasms straight away, but i sure as hell would like to learn to give her that if she wants it. I for example could learn fast as long as you would be completely open what you want/like and enjoy without shame on saying it. Now into the matter of which i often write of which is snuggling/cuddling/hugging, having her real close all smushed in, she wrapping herself around you and you holding her as in wrapping at least hands around her too, that is real awesome feeling from experience much like kissing/making out, or spooning her when she has her back towards you, now try not to breathe on her neck too heavily since it might feel annoying for her, or not, who knows if some lady likes the tingling sensation of air to her neck or something i dunno, i repeat if she likes something then you can and should do it, if not, then avoid at all cost and ask her occasionally if you are doing something wrong somehow. I like when she not only takes her hand(s) and puts them around or on you, but also when she wants to put her leg on top of you as well, i suppose you know the pose, or even her head though it might not always be the most comfortable place to rest head always if for example sleeping or something as it isn't as soft as pillow even with small layer of fat and your heartbeat might be annoying for her to hear constantly if trying to relax, or it can be also romantic in some occasions, that is if it can be even heard by pressing head against shoulder/chest area the hell if i know, never done it. I also have this some male gene type testosterone boosted dream where i lift her up in the air (considering i weight.. holy fucking 95kg now so i'm fat as you can see from my recent photo on the gallery part here.. i still can easily do full on army push ups several tens of times in row and then after shortish break, again, so lifting a woman shouldn't be a problem but i still need to train muscles even more when motivated for it) and carry her around on my lap or she would be so attached and in love to me that she wants to just piggybag jump on me and stay since she doesn't want to let go of me T.T oh god.. this is actually making me smile and feel really sad at the same time.

In a relationship that has extended from the passionate beginning excitement and stuff, it can become vital to start planning some future together and taking action. Like for now if i ended up with her and dreams came true... while hell is freezing over, i already thought of, for example as i tweeted before, how i should definitely still get a king sized bed should we start living together properly (but as i tweeted, 1 person bed might have its initial fun on the necessity of being close and snuggled up (i would take the outer side, if the bed has a wall of some sort on the other side so that she wouldn't fall to ground at any point in night if either of us moves and turns a lot whilst sleeping unless she would feel somehow trapped between me and wall and she wanted to take the other side) but in the long run some room to sleep might be wise depending on many factors and nights. Still even with king sized bed, my personal loving and snuggly personality would want to take only small space of it most of the time as we would be all snuggled up with each other), and getting a bigger crib in general when you have chosen that you want to live together for good, for example this crib i live in now is kind of small, and if she sometimes wants privacy without going to freaking bathroom there isn't a bedroom separate from the living room. Personally though, i wouldn't mind having her around on anything i do. I wouldn't mind if she was always here by my side, without privacy what-so-ever, hell, i would prefer having her close all the time. I truly am one snuggly person. Ok getting into myself again, easy to write what i dream of so no wonder. Always let the woman live her life too if she wants to do something else for a change rather than be all smushed in all the time, i do not intent to smother the woman either and become so dependent that if we weren't necessarily together all the fucking time, i would be upset. For example if she wants to do something like, say... go ride horses, hang out with her friends or something like that, i shall start gaming or producing or something like that what i do anyways on my own. However, how cute would it be when i was doing my thing and she would just come interrupt me with snuggles or otherwise not interrupt per se but come to my side while doing my things. She can watch what i do if she wants, and i want to watch what she wants to do. I totally would admire her. Now income. As couples usually have shared money, so would i but the thing is as for example i'm unemployed right now in this situation, i'm quite broke and got not much to share, but if we needed it, i would totally go into a job that i wouldn't even like necessarily that much to provide some income to maintain her and our lifestyle. I can't expect her to provide a broke ass trying musician. Thing is i'm not that macho that my manlyhood would be intimitated if she for example made more money than me and would provide more, or if she is better at anything for that matter to generalize, only one more reason to admire her, but i do not mean that i would live under her wing by leeching off on her income if she works hard for it for her own. Preferrably though would find something i like and she would too. Who knows maybe someday some unexpected happening might occur and we were rich. After some time you might want to propose her and get married as you can't see a life without her anymore and hopefully she feels the same way. If the relationship really seems to be going well and we... (shit i have a tendency to write a lot of stuff as if i was together with her already or as if it was certain that we did end up together eventually, as i said have been dreaming all kinds of stuff from end to end, but i do mean in general too)... you as a couple, are starting to have thoughts about becoming a family, then of course should consider becoming a family. Kids are fun and loving and they do bring a smile in the face much like the mother of your children does. Ah and some say having the "nuclear family" is over-rated. It might still even be. Don't get me wrong, i do like kids as they are really funny and awesome and cute as i have had some experience on being an uncle for my sisters kids, personally i still would like to take my time with her before considering family since i want to be with her alone for a while and also make sure that we would match and be happy so that the possible kids wouldn't have to go through their parents divorcing. Just make sure you both are ready to start a family in all ways, can provide a child or many if wanted and are up to to time, attention and effort children will require. If you are not ready, try to avoid any accidental pregnancies. Seriously people, how hard is it to use protection? Then after the kids have grown up, and are moving out already, you are back together alone with her to enjoy some peace and solitude, but relatives most likely visiting more when you start having grandchildren etc i assume or otherwise too. I actually think i would be real snuggly even in old age. Just having her close, the woman who you love and has been on your side, means everything.

OK there would be more to say but honestly as you can notice from the first paragraph, i'm really not super experienced on relationships even if i try to solve the X of making her really happy by thinking about it a lot, what to do and what not to do, and hence if i was able to make her happy, i would be happy being with a happy woman and she would like to be with me instead of dumping me after few months. I might be a bit more sensitive emotion-wise and hence i want to protect myself from heartbreak. I want to find the 1 woman and to be with her until i die and want her to want it too, as in she would be happy with me and she wouldn't want to cheat or leave me for others. And this is starting to make me have really weird mixed feelings of happy dreams and rather depressing reality. Noticed yesterday evening how i wanted to sleep sooner than usually since i often i feel better after a good morning sleep (yes said morning instead of night, my rhythm is now that i go to sleep at morning and wake up in afternoon, it changes sometimes, i have nothing to tie me to regular sleeping rhythm, no woman around to be with, no job or schools to go into). Last night was weirdly blank/numb for me... as in i felt like i didn't want to game, watch anything, do anything at all except go to sleep and then wake up a bit more cheery. Questioning myself the purpose of life again. I know it is happiness but still. She would give me purpose but as i'm alone, life just feels like pointless sometimes. Meaning of life is happiness and that's that, it has no greater purpose for the universe other than that. So what makes you happy, hope you find it in a peaceful way that doesn't cost others theirs happiness, and if you find it, you have solved the equation of life itself. Personally though i was just thinking my lonely life in a general: We are thrown in here to 1st learn basics, then to get a job in which to work long boring hours only to get just enough money from the product/service provided to society, to pay for roof and food and some entertainment and consume some shit yourself whilst trying to be happy. And the circle continues until you die. And that is it, life in a nutshell, this is reality if i am doomed to walk earth forever alone. Oh god... now i think i want to... just brush my teeth and go sleep again. Man i still can appreciate the freedom from boring work, but the cost for it is still being broke all the time so can't spend the time as entertaining as i could with money as it can get stuff you want, need or like. For example now i have to live about 2 months with barely any money to buy food since i have so many bills that drain all the money government sends me, they sent it as i have applied for it so i wouldn't die yet. Grim ending for a important topic. Sorry. May you have wonderful loving relationships. I sure as hell am NOT, but am trying to find it before i drown into the darkness.

Edit update 30.1.2018:

Just decided to add the development on the happening here to clarify. After a week of waiting for the crush to accept my friend request and seeing her for the 5th time (this last time i saw her was when i was buying coffee cream and a milk from her register, and this time she was staring directly into my eyes for a long time, and i stared back at her eyes. Longest eye contact between me and her, she wasn't smiling though but oddly long eye contact. I couldn't help but smile slightly at her (you can tell a smile is genuine when eyes are smiling as well and not just lips) since she is beautiful), i wanted to ask couple of questions about the crush of mine from the woman who i mistakenly thought to be my crush first and was able to contact online and also who told the crushes name and said they were friends. I asked her if she had told the crush of mine about me searching her. And if she in fact had told her about me trying to find her, it would become clear to me that the crush of mine had then chosen to just ignore the request completely as she would have been very aware of me. And there would be my conclusion faster without too much waiting around most likely with a simple question, unless the crush was playing time for some reason before accepting, ignoring is worse than just "saying no" so to speak, since it lets the ignored side keep on guessing why isn't there a "yes or no" spoken in general, in my case why she hasn't declined or accepted the request. Also asked on more positive thoughts how close friends are they which is related to the first question as well as in me thinking do they speak to each other or are they only "Facebook acquaintances friends" like most of people on my FB friend list, but also asked does she know if the crush of mine is that active on Facebook anyway and hence has even seen the request yet. Well didn't get a straight answer on anything, she did say for me to have patience and wait so that she would probably accept the request at some point, but then she pointed out, out of the blue, that the crush of mine is in a relationship so that might affect it... So my dream world got crushed as in it broke, shattered hard. I had developed a big crush on a woman who i thought was available but is in fact taken. I thanked the girl for information (afterwards thinking that she could.. hell, should have said it sooner... i mean i told her straight on at the beginning that i have a crush on the girl she pointed me towards to). and deactivated my Facebook account the instant. The crush was the only reason i activated it as i'm not in touch with some people from my past and couple of strangers that had ended up on my FB friend list, and hence the account became obsolete again. Now i decided to go offline for a while from social medias (might expect gaming videos at some point when something is worthy of sharing on ShadowRaz account, MAYBE some music later on this when the first wave of depression has passed and i will get motivated to create again or practice something worthy of sharing, but seriously, motivation to do anything now is really low, practically non-existent) and won't write blog anymore either or anything. It has been couple of days, and i'm kind of breaking my tweet promise by writing this update as i'm online now and writing this update but i thought that maybe the reader of this might want some closure to this as well which will serve as last stuff i share from my personal life or from thoughts in general that you will see. Sharing my crap is really embarrassing and pathetic, who the fuck is even reading this anyway? Some sociopath stalkers perhaps who secretly observe others life? As these people do not care how much they use or make fun of others as they have no feelings. Or no one, absolutely no one is reading as i have only few followers online who might not get lost on my site, i mean there are only 100 visits on the entire site. I'm really sad actually that it ended this way, i truly have a crush on the woman but i need to muffle it out now. I can't expect and wait that she will ever be available and even if she would, would i even stand a chance anyway? I would be just torturing myself. She might be in a happy relationship which will last a life time, and good for them then. As long as she is happy. But now my own lonely path continues even more depressing than it was before i had a crush on her. I wouldn't have even updated the progress on this case at all had i heard from the crush herself that she was taken, i respect privacy (hence i won't publicly write names or anything even now) and do not want to embarrass or make anyone look bad, but as this all turned out to be such a... well... misunderstanding...? i guess it isn't bad to put the finishing touches on the case. Case closed, end of the line, that's that. I need to find my happiness somewhere else. Fucking life really gave me "lemons" on this now, or more accurately not spoken in cliche term, gave me a reason to become sad, and by fucking bloody hell am i sad and pissed off at the same time. I just want to play video games or binge watch movies and tv-shows to occupy myself and when those are ineffective, i shall meditate whilst driving if i have enough fuel or enjoy the heat in sauna and doing that all while i convince myself that my life is or at least will turn out to be good eventually even without her in my life. A bit more soul searching required, since as i said earlier, this is (hopefully soon can say: was instead of is) unusually big crush.

Edit Update 4.3.2018

So, i developed another crush on a woman i have seen, but also met in the sense of getting to know her personality at least slightly several times now through this group thing to educate unemployed for job hunt the government put me in to go every week as they apparently had had enough of my unemployement and paying me some money just for living without me giving back to society or something similar. And oh boy is she lovely. She is this really positive person and is one of the 3 group leaders there. 5 years older than me as i checked her facebook during brief activation of my account there before deactivating again, but i'm not that focused on few years difference, i mean women live longer don't they anyway? Considering if i could be with her till the end however i wouldn't want her to go through losing love either should love be possible between us as i have yet again started dreaming, so it is almost sort of a chance/bad luck already who goes first, but now heading to grim direction. She truly seems to be this friendly and positive, sweet and nice personality, brave to speak out and can get adorably loud actually when she does her cute laugh. She is really beautiful, i mean she has these big dark colored eyes that pull you in, really pretty face otherwise too and her hairstyle is short-ish black hair but that doesn't really matter. She is also really spicy hot/sexy. I think from the occasions i have gotten the pleasure to be around her that she is really honest and trustworthy too. All of these traits make a woman become really perfect woman (no one is perfect but still can kind of be) in my opinion, real wife material, a lady with whom a man would want to be with forever and do everythng for. Now i'm not sure should i go into more personal stuff but she seems to like dogs and has a lot of pictures and even videos of her basically playing with them or being cuddly. I like dogs too so nothing to that, dogs are more loving than cats for example so seems like she would be a loving person and cuddly too merely deducing from such a factor. Cats aren't bad either though in my opinion, just more independent and smell bad more, however kind of less enthusiastic to destroy stuff and might not cause mess so easily, or at least depending on how they are educated, dogs learn commands better than cats obviously. She also has a child of which of course there are pictures too and she has mentioned more times, but as i checked, she had "no showable" relationships ongoing so perhaps a single mother? It didn't say single either though. I mean i haven't heard her talking of a guy, instead i have heard her talking how she and the other lady group leader have gone to places together and stuff, maybe as friends, but hell, maybe as more i mean who knows... love is precious among anyone as long as it is genuine and should not be judged. Also i saw her one morning in front of a car with some guy so perhaps the father of the child, but maybe to her an ex? Or she is not just advertising about their relationship at all, don't know. Or the guy was unrelated to anything the hell if i know. Now as she seems perfect woman, really lovely cute lady, i truly have a crush on her. But for example as she seems so perfect i obviously think i don't stand a chance in hell to be with her. However... On last meeting... i can't for the life of me wrap my head around it fully but she seemed to show some interest on me, she was staring directly at me quite often and for rather long periods, i avoided staring back not to fall in love already, then she started talking about me precisely all of a sudden as in about my musical career wishes even though there were plenty of other people around... and i haven't even talked about it myself out loud rather at all (briefly mentioned to the 3rd group leader outside of the group sort of), not at all when she was around and we were in the main classroom with the whole group, but have written it also on those papers they gave to fill, also she slipped out as sort of a joke about getting a pink car which might be unrelated.. perhaps as it is a while since i had one and in another town etc so couldn't have seen it perhaps, at most only read about it on my accounts which i mention rarely, latest mention was on gallery at this site though, so easy to find from my name if she had done research or something.. Now, i have already thought of everything that i have on this blog post before, but more. Rather millions of thoughts as usual, you are reading a small part which i shouldn't be writing and sharing at all. It varies from end to end as in how wonderful it would be to be together and even the downsides of course too. I mean i can imagine her being my wife and we having the common home life where we would just be around each other and do normal stuff which seems so, SO bright future. But also have thought of the fact how she is already a mother for example which is a positive show of her as a caring person and kind of negative to me in a way at least. Don't get me wrong, i like children and wouldn't mind becoming a step-father to a child, i'm not that fond of myself that a child i take care of with the woman i love HAS to be my own child necessarily. Hell, she seems to have still 1 boy and who knows would she want another child sooner or later or something, or not, whatever. I advise people to not avoid single mothers if you find yourself falling for one, they are really strong women and have to handle a lot of stuff on their own. But then as i have thought, children require attention and time, and hence the thoughts have passed through my head how i could not get any time with the woman at all, as in we wouldn't have time to snuggle without doing anything or while watching something for example, get to know each other properly or even have those lovely make out sessions i like or make love either, but then again as we were sleeping together on same bed every night, why wouldn't we cuddle? Kisses could be common smooches anywhere anytime basically and/or more private and prolonged and have some more passionate sensual stuff too you know. Still it almost feels like... Would i miss out on the lovely rather passionate part of relationship where we couldn't keep ourselves off from each other and be jumping straight into the family part? That worries me a bit. But i'm not getting any younger though as in soon to be almost middle aged or some crap as almost 25 year old man, which makes me think out truly that have i already missed the part? That would be sad. On the other hand as i said, i would personally like to be really snuggly all the time until death so being a snuggly during the times when we could be, wouldn't be out of the question even though there are children as long as she would be snuggly too. Also thought briefly that there could be some huge akwardness between me and the boy's real father depending on the personality of that guy, personally i wouldn't want to carry some weirdness between us but instead have a healthy and positive understanding, but as i have witnessed, some men tend to be arseholes and maybe they broke up for a reason if they have broken up or something, hard to say. Or have some awkwardness between me and the boy as he would not somehow accept me as some "father figure" who lives with her mom or something. This is starting to be a speculation from my point of view without any actual things to prove me right or wrong on anything. But gosh, she really seems to be amazing woman. I can't help but think that i should seriously contact her right now and get to know her more personally, and find out for real. I mean, would the dream be possible with her? or am i being just overly crushed on a woman i don't have a chance with or can't be with in any way anyway or we don't match or some crap?! There is 1 huge thing blocking me from contacting her now even though i could, as the group meetings are once a week for 12 times, 4 times have now gone and 8 left, would i make it really awkward to go there at all and should i wait 8 weeks to contact her at all unless i am making it awkward already by writing this and she reads it (pink car... where else, if related to anything of me, would it have come, however, she is a woman and pink car wouldn't be that much of a leap from just actually thinking of one out of the blue. My shitbox (old car which broke down) was slightly tuned (lower, cool-ish street racing front bumper, cheap small spoiler, big low profile rims and with black hood instead of pink like rest of the car) so it wasn't the girliest) second thing are doubts again on everything: Is anything possible, am i misunderstanding everything again completely as she wouldn't want to be with some younger rather odd-duck and everything is related to merely to the group happenings and to me over-thinking, and even the fact that i'm not sure what do i want and what not as you can see... as in am i ready to become step-father, jump right into the family part of relationship? But the fact is there wouldn't be any better way to find out at least about her than actually talk to her outside of the group thing so that there weren't outside ears hearing and i could first find out some basic stuff like is she even available, and then we could get to know each other. But what about finding about myself? I do not want to mislead a woman in anyway to fall for me and start anything and then back out myself from backfiring opinions of my future and what i want. HELL NO that would be fucking awful. Life is hard. relationships are complicated and understanding self is fucking difficult. No wonder i'm so alone, can't do shit without over-thinking everything through and doubting and hence end up doing nothing often and then might be full of regret later. I still have my happy moments in current lifestyle with total freedom as i sort of put myself into this situation for example i'm not fond of having friends to hang out. But being shy odd-duck and not a ruggedly handsome fella have huge factor in not having a woman in my life too... but it is really lonely eh.. What to do what to do,

Update edit.

So i contacted her already as i felt so lonely again that i wouldn't care about some minor awkwardness in the group thing afterwards should i find out she isn't interested, available or anything like that, and what do you know, she said she was already in a relationship, and to be honest, it would have been really odd if she wasn't. She seems so happy and positive anyway that it is hard to imagine her being lonely single mother which is good that there are people who have found their piece of happy life. But for me, another crush shattered, why do i keep doing this to myself, starting to dream about a woman only to find out she is taken and then get even more depressed than before. Man i seriously want to just die now. Feels like i'm doomed to be alone for my whole pathetic life. No woman truly is interested in me in a sense that i would be relationship material. It is all in my head what with the dreams and over-thinking from smallest things. Nothing matters, fuck life and what it has to offer. I'll still try to put a positive attitude when i go out there so that i wouldn't infect others with my sorrow, but inside i'm dying everyday more and more.